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Dysfunctional computer relationships
by Charles Marshall
I’m thinking about breaking up with my
computer.
This is actually my second computer. My first computer
was an older model with stone components made by the Flintstone Corp. It worked
fine unless I quit pedaling.
I’ve been seeing the computer I have now for about
three years, and a more dysfunctional relationship one could not imagine. I
can’t stand my computer, but I can’t live without it either.
The problem we’re having lately is that it works fine
when I don’t need it but whenever there is something important to be done, it
decides to check out on me.
I know that this is very likely my computer’s cry for
attention. It knows that I’m losing interest in it so it constantly makes
pathetic attempts to get my attention. “Um, excuse me, Sweetie, I’ve got
updates. Would you like to install them now?”
This, of course, is a diabolically manipulative
question because if I say “yes,” then my computer is tied up for 15 minutes
while I wait for the updates to be installed. If I say “no,” then the computer
crashes, blames me for not updating it when it asked me to, and we get into this
huge fight. It’s a no-win situation.
On top of my twisted relationship with my computer lies
the additional layer of dysfunctionality that my Internet Service Provider
brings to the table. Unfortunately, I can’t mention their name for fear of legal
action, so let’s just say the name of the company is –––Monstrous Organization
Repeatedly Obstructing Net Service, or MORONS for short.
Having MORONS is like being in a relationship with
someone who never does what you want them to unless you don’t need them to do it
anymore.
My typical conversation with my MORONS program usually
goes something like this:
Me: I’d like to check my e-mail.
MORONS: Yes, I’ll be with you in a moment but right now
I’m busy frustrating the other two trillion people dumb enough to use my
services.
Me (five minutes later): I really, really would like to
check my e-mail now.
MORONS: I have no doubt that you would and I’m enjoying
your aggravation immensely. Please, stand by.
Me (20 minutes later): Never mind. I can’t wait the
rest of my life just to check my e-mail. Abort the process.
MORONS: Oh, you wanted to check your e-mail? I had no
idea. Let’s see now... nope, you don’t have a thing. That’ll be $25.
I know what you’re thinking — if I have so much trouble
with MORONS, why don’t I just dump them? Because it’s impossible, that’s why.
MORONS is like the mob. You never get out. Just try to stop the service and they
lure you back by giving you months and months of free service — a tactic that I
always fall for.
Me: I want to close my account because you guys stink.
MORONS representative: How about this instead — you
agree to stay with us and we’ll give you even more of the lousy service that you
despise at absolutely no charge.
Me: Wow! What a great deal! I’ll take it!
It’s true, though, that a computer is a machine and
machines have problems. It’s part of life. When you stop having problems, you
need to check your pulse because you may not be on planet Earth anymore.
I do admit that I’m partially to blame for my computer
problems, though. I realize now that I shouldn’t have begun a relationship so
soon after breaking up with my old computer. These rebound relationships never
work. Is there such a thing as human/computer relationship counseling?
© 2007 Charles Marshall. Charles Marshall is a nationally known comedian and
author. Visit his Web site at
www.charlesmarshall.net or contact him via e-mail at
charles@charlesmarshall.net.
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