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Going to the Dogs
by Charles Marshall
My wife and I have been thinking about
getting a dog and discussing what type we might get. For me, there is really
only one possibility and that, of course, is a real dog.
For the uninitiated, there are three basic types of
dogs:
1] Real dogs. These are dogs as God originally made
them — monstrous, made-for-outdoors hunting machines that are perfect for
intimidating neighbors and attracting lawsuits.
The ownership rule for guys and dogs is simple…the
bigger the dog, the cooler you look. Walk down the street with a Pekingese and
you might as well be wearing a tutu.
When you observe a man walking down the street with a
massive real-dog beast, his message to you is clear. “Yes, I’m overcompensating
for my insecurities and lack of masculinity BUT I’ve got a really big dog.”
Now that’s the kind of attitude I can get behind.
2] Mutant rat-dogs, otherwise known as Chihuahuas.
These poor creatures are the unintentional result of secret experiments
conducted by the Mexican army in a failed attempt to create the ultimate weapon
by cross-breeding bats and Great Danes. The only surviving result of these
experiments was a group of nervous, angry little rat-dogs that decided to take
their revenge on humanity by being annoying on just about every level known to
mankind.
If you are approached by one of these aberrations of
nature, know that it despises you with a hatred rarely seen outside the Middle
East, and that it won’t hesitate to tear your ankles to shreds. These dogs are
the piranhas of the canine world and would nuke mankind tomorrow if they thought
they could get away with it. Under no circumstance should one of these animals
be allowed to run for public office.
3] Kitty-dogs, which is every kind of dog that does not
fall into one of the first two categories. I’m all in favor of this type of dog
because, hey, girls have to have dogs, too.
The curse of the kitty-dog is that there are those who
take a warped delight in dressing them up like people. Most dogs would rather be
subjected to Mexican weapon experiments than go through this type of torture.
I cannot say this in strong enough terms. You should
never, ever dress up your dog for any reason whatsoever. Take it from me. If it
were 30 below outside, your dog would rather die in his own fur coat with
dignity than live while being seen in a little poochie parka.
If you dress your dog, you need to know two things:
1] The rest of us are
making fun of you behind your back.
2] Every day your dog
prays for a heaven where he gets to dress you up in humiliating costumes while
he and his doggie friends point at you and laugh for all eternity.
If you feel you absolutely must dress an animal, go
dress one that at least has a chance of defending itself like a cougar or a
wolverine or a Chihuahua.
And so the great dog debate rages in my household and I
think my wife is coming around to my point of view. But, if by chance, you
happen to see me in the neighborhood walking a Pekingese that is wearing a teeny
hat and sundress, you may safely assume things did not go my way.
© 2007 Charles Marshall. Charles Marshall is a nationally known comedian and
author. Visit his Web site at
www.charlesmarshall.net or contact him via e-mail at
charles@charlesmarshall.net.
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