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Unexplored relationship markets
by Charles Marshall
In the spirit of romance, I thought I
might tackle a problem that is plaguing many single, middle-aged guys all over
the country who are scratching their heads, wondering why they aren’t attracting
the good-looking, younger women that they used to.
Yep, it’s a real mystery all right and I’m here to
help.
This is a tough concept to communicate to men, so I
thought I might reveal the answer to this enigma in a way most men can
understand—business-speak.
Remember 20 or 30 years ago when you first went on the
market (started dating)? This was your IPO (Initial Public Offering) and your
stock debuted at an all-time high. You were a hot commodity and trading was
vigorous and steady. Consumers (women-folk) couldn’t get enough of you. You
thought the demand would never end but, unfortunately, this was as high as your
stock would ever climb.
Yes, my friend, the sad truth is that over the years
the value of your stock has—and I want to put this delicately—well, it’s just
plummeted. That’s right. It’s taken a dive off the high board. Tanked. Crashed
and burned. Collapsed. Given up the ghost.
How did this happen? Simply put, first inflation set in
(weight gain) and then recession ensued (hair loss), resulting in a massive
stock devaluation (you are now invisible to babes).
But do not despair, my bald, chubby, middle-aged buddy,
for I bring you good news and great hope. All is not lost, for although you have
certainly lost your primary market, there are several markets you might have
overlooked, such as:
1] Jail Brides—Guys in prison are always getting
married. I know this is true. I saw it on TV. Apparently prisoners are in big
demand. This means there has got to be a woman out there somewhere desperate
enough to want even you. All you need to do to get one of these babes is go to
jail. The longer your term of imprisonment, the better your chances are of
finding the gal of your dreams.
2] Golden Girls—Forget rejection and heartache. Say
good-bye to loneliness. The 70-years-plus babes think you’re hot stuff! In a
marvelous turn of events, you are now the eye candy! Single chicks in this age
category are champing at the bit for a young guy like you (defined as any man
without a pacemaker).
Your new golden girlfriend will enjoy showing you off
when you visit her at the rest home, and all her friends will absolutely drool
over you, or perhaps they will just drool in general. Nevertheless, much
drooling will take place when you visit your new girlfriend. On a typical date,
you will engage in romantic activities such as doing crossword puzzles,
comparing medications, and dozing off in front of the television. What a hoot
that will be!
3] Gold Diggers—It’s amazing how much better looking a
guy is when he has mega-bucks. Trust me, if Donny Trump worked in the next
cubicle and drove an ’84 Escort, he wouldn’t be dating super models.
No, sir, if you want to obtain a whole new
attractiveness, go get a billion bucks or so. It’s the most often overlooked
makeover.
As I wrap us this month’s column, it suddenly occurs to
me how fortunate I am to be married. I think we can all agree that, if I
weren’t, it’s a certainty I’d be trolling the halls of some nursing home,
looking for a golden girlfriend of my own.
© 2007 Charles Marshall. Charles Marshall is a nationally known comedian and
author. Visit his Web site at
www.charlesmarshall.net or contact him via e-mail at
charles@charlesmarshall.net.
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